Where did I leave off? Oh, yes… Where does my love go…?
This has been a pivotal week for me. For a few posts now, I have been writing about how recent astrological influences have had the power to affect us and I’ve been sharing what I’ve noticed in my personal experience. Just to re-cap, it started when I was in Vancouver for the Full Moon/Lunar Eclipse (April 15) and it’s been a pretty emotional road since then. I managed to move through the Cardinal Grand Cross on April 23 (whew!) and now that we’ve finally entered the New Moon in Taurus/Solar Eclipse today (April 29) I feel that something huge has shifted.
So, first let me tell you what this Solar Eclipse symbolizes and then I’ll explain why I find this shift so important for me.
This eclipse is about learning to find ways to create inner happiness, despite outer conditions and to let go of old attitudes about things and people. So much of what has been suppressed is coming to the light and it feels as though the very ground beneath us has been shaking. We are beginning to understand that most of our beliefs about our world have been built on illusions. Illusions about ourselves, illusions about others and illusions about what is good or bad or what is or isn’t possible. All of these illusions are beginning to crumble away and now we are able to build a new foundation based on what is real and true for us. It’s a time of recognizing and aligning with what we truly value, and then vowing to live our lives in a way that upholds and reflects those values. Not just with thoughts or words, but with our actions and the way we live our lives. It’s about stepping into the power and the beauty of our own creation.
We must understand that the only thing which truly belongs to us is ourselves. This means that what we choose to give to others and what we allow ourselves to receive must be approached with great care, presence and self-love. This Solar Eclipse is a reminder that happiness comes from within. Eclipses tend to reveal what was once hidden and sometimes these hidden aspects manifest as unpredictable events. Whatever the manifestation is for you, this is a time of appreciating what you have, for loving with all your heart and for valuing those things that really matter. Life, itself, is the gift.
Last week, I wrote that I was just beginning to fully experience my own capacity for love and how it felt so overwhelming that I didn’t quite know what to do with it. The truth is that my capacity for love has been there all along but I grew up believing that the only way I could experience that love was to “give” it to someone else. It’s important to mention here that, somewhere along the way, the distinctions between love, sexual arousal, approval, acceptance & worthiness became blurred and as a result, I developed some deeply hidden limiting beliefs. I managed to cope with this and protect myself by only allowing a “trickle” of my own natural, abundant flow of love to escape. I must have believed that I could only let my deepest, broadest love flow and be expressed with either my children or with a partner whom I was in love with so, naturally, that is where I channelled my love energy for most of my life. But I realize now that, even then, my love was often mixed with self-doubt and self-criticism and I lacked the freedom, self-compassion and self-confidence to really let myself stay in the flow of it completely.
This weekend, I had an experience which showed me just how much I have been limiting myself in that regard. I can’t really explain it but, in an unexpected moment, as if a switch had been flipped, I just let go. I let myself be seen. I let myself be supported. I let myself be comforted. I let myself receive. As if a dam had burst, I found myself being carried by the ever-increasing flow of self-love. At some point, yet I don’t know exactly when, I had stepped out from behind the armour of my masculine, protective energy and moved into the immense power of my feminine energy. In that moment, there was nothing in my way. Nothing standing between me and spirit. There were no thoughts in my head trying to figure anything out or tell me what to do or how to feel and best of all, I didn’t “make” it about anybody else. This was all about me. I just completely surrendered to “me”. I can’t even say I felt “guided”. My body told me what to do and I fell into my own river of love… and let it’s current carry me away.
Part way through this experience, something began to feel very familiar and I realized that the scene that was playing out felt similar to that of a past childhood trauma. What was unbelievable was that, in the current moment, it became quite clear that this was all unfolding so that I could feel the same feelings and go through the same motions as last time but to now allow myself to experience them as something natural and which I was deserving of. My ability to accept and receive was a gift I was giving to myself that was long overdue. In that moment, I was overriding history and healing a very old wound. I was creating a new story, simply by letting myself sink into the truth and safety of my own feminine, intuitive, receptive energy. And I made no apologies for it.
Since then, I’ve discovered that I’ve been in a process of opening up to my feminine energy for some time now. It’s now so obvious that all my new creative pursuits are a tremendous gift in helping me to channel this energy and the more I experiment, the more ways I have to express it openly and clearly and the more I learn to accept and receive more masculine energy from others rather than always trying to stay in control.
My experience on the weekend has awakened a new fascination in me. I’m excited to explore more of my own femininity…what that feels like…how it’s expressed… and, in turn I want to learn more about both the masculine and feminine from an energetic perspective, rather than an emotional or intellectual one. I’m discovering so much about how they relate to one another and I’m amazed at how, over hundreds or thousands of years, our society has developed such a tragic misunderstanding of how these energies are perceived and navigated. It’s no wonder we struggle so much in our partner relationships.
Stay tuned… I’m sure there will be a lot more discoveries to come.
In the meantime, I want to share a couple of passages that I came across over the past few days which I find profoundly illustrative of what I have discovered this week.
From OSHO Transformation Tarot, #39 “Energy”:
“Either you make your energy creative, or it will turn sour and become destructive. Energy is a dangerous thing–if you have it, you have to use it creatively, otherwise sooner or later you will find it has become destructive. So find something–whatsoever you like–to put your energy into. If you want, painting; or if you want, dancing or singing; or if you want to play an instrument…. Whatsoever you want, find a way in which you can become completely lost. If you can be lost playing a guitar–good! In those moments when you are lost, your energy will be released in a creative way.
If you cannot be lost in painting, in singing, in dancing, in playing guitar or a flute, then you will find lower ways of being lost: anger, rage, aggression; these are lower ways to be lost.”
Words of Wisdom for Men… by David Deida
“A woman is always going to be more energetically powerful than you. She’s always going to be more emotionally powerful than you. And, she’s more sexually powerful than you. Period. Forever.
She’ll be a tornado sometimes.
She’ll be a hurricane sometimes.
A flood. A fire. She’s Nature herself.
You can run from that (and become lost).
You can try to control her (unsuccessfully).
You can be rigid about it (and be broken).
Or you can stand in your absolute masculine presence and do your best to serve her heart. There will be some times that you will distinctly see how you are serving her and the rest of the time… she will be trusting you – she will be growing in the trust of your depth.
You have a gift to give your woman – and she wants to receive it. Feel the truth of that.
Stay in the depth of your gift and your truth even while she is in the truth of her feminine nature. She will burn, flow, rain, shine, storm – and through all of it, she just wants to experience your presence.
The gift you receive is the opportunity to face death – death of Ego – and a window to LIFE and PLEASURE and TRUTH… But ONLY – if you remain present.”