Process of Illumination

My Sinai

From April 13, 2009
Lately, I’ve been thinking about the story of Moses. He’s a dude that seems to have been following me for quite a while, showing up in meditations, with his long, white beard and Hebrew robes looking just enough like Charlton Heston so that I would be sure not to mistake him for anyone else.It’s Easter Monday as I write this, and I’m all excited and nervous to be starting this new blog, but all I can concentrate on is the “Pokemon” theme. My nine year old son, Julean, is hanging off the end of my bed, bouncing up and down in rhythm to the music emanating from the blue Nintendo DS that has been glued to him for the past week and a half. My stomach is in knots. Why is it that, whenever I decide to do something that will fulfill a purpose in my life, there’s always some other urgent or distracting item put in my face that can’t be ignored?

I’ve created an atmosphere where my boys can feel that I am accessible 24/7, which is fantastic, but it makes it really difficult to get any privacy when I want to have an hour or two of uninterrupted time to focus on anything that requires solitude. It can really drive me crazy sometimes. I wonder if Moses ever felt that way.

As my son stomps back and forth across the floor in response to my requests for him to let me concentrate, I ask myself “What the hell is the lesson here?”

Back to Moses.

The other day, I had a real heavy insight about what significance Moses has for me, or as Oprah says, I had a “light-bulb moment”. As a result, I think I finally understand why he has been showing up as a guide for all these years. To be honest, when I see him, I question it because I wonder “who the hell I am to be having Moses in my meditations, anyway”?

The insight happened when I was blow-drying my hair and thinking about my divorce. I was contemplating how amazed I am by how my ex’s family has completely ex-communicated me. It being the Passover season, the story of Moses and the Jews being cast out of Egypt immediately came to mind and as I thought about it, the comparisons just came flooding through. Here’s an excerpt of my journal entry for that day:

April 5, 2009
“I understand why Moses is guiding me because the story of Moses is very similar to my own. I have been cast out of my adopted family for reasons that I can only attempt to understand. And even though it is painful, it is a small price to pay for the deep understanding and freedom that has come on this journey of discovering who I really am. Even though it means relinquishing my rights to the “throne” and being an outcast among those people who took me in and whom I came to know as family, I have no choice but to realize that the only loyalty I can depend on is that which I have for myself and where I came from. I can no longer be ashamed of my heritage and the way I grew up. I must embrace and stand up for the parts of me that have been apologizing for all these years. Through discovering my value, regardless of my circumstances (then and now) I can lead by example and help others out of the bondage of their self-recrimination.”

Since my separation and the other catalytic events of 2007, I felt for a long time as though I had disappeared, wandering alone in the desert, like Moses. I felt lost and forsaken and truly questioned my faith on all levels. I needed to shut down, in a way, and learn that I no longer am, or need to be, in control of the outcome of my life. Instead, I needed to learn to let the Universe take over and discover that when I can let go and trust the guidance I am given, I am always taken care of. Living in Love, keeping the bigger picture in mind and finding the lesson and the meaning of the difficult times are the only ways to get thought them.

So now, I feel like I’m (finally) climbing the mountain, my own version of Sinai, to hear the guidance that will get me through the long journey ahead. My people (friends, family, colleagues, clients) are wondering about me…where I have been for all this time and when I will be back to help them continue our journey together in search of a greater experience of peace, harmony, community, growth and trust.

I’ll be back soon. Promise.

Yesterday, Julean and I saw Hannah Montana: The Movie. During the critical scene, when Miley, as Hannah, is giving a benefit concert to the Tennessee community where she grew up, she realizes that she cannot continue the deception (the secret that Hannah is actually Miley), especially to these people who she cares so much about, and reveals her true identity. She then sings a song that she wrote for them called “It’s the Climb”. As I listened, (and cried) I was reminded, yet again, of the synchronicity of the universe because the theme of the movie and the message of the song resonated so strongly with what I have been reflecting upon recently in my own life.

And the message is this:

Follow your dreams, remember where you came from and, no matter what you are faced with, keep on climbing. The view just gets better and better.