Process of Illumination

What Tracy Wants

Before I go on to the theme of this week’s post, I want to say a few things about some feedback I received in response to “Tracy Meets a Man”. As the process of writing this blog evolves and as I continue to be as open and authentic as I can, I was happy to hear from a reader (who is also an experienced blogger) who had some very savvy advice for me.  He was kind enough to share what kinds of things I might run into in the course of writing this blog and some pitfalls and concerns to be aware of. Once again, the amount of honest caring that I have received from my readers is sometimes overwhelming and I am deeply touched to know that so many people are looking out for my best interests. When he reads this, I hope he will notice that I am already implementing some of his suggestions and I look forward to receiving a “gold star”, as well as any other further advice he (or you) may have. I feel it is important to share the kind of feedback I’m getting because it is becoming quite clear to me that this is, in fact, a collaboration and I’m fascinated with the dynamic that is forming as a result.  So thanks again, and keep it coming!

Now, on to my insights from this past week:

If you have been reading this blog regularly you have probably noticed, as I have, that what I end up writing about usually relates to a thread that has woven itself through the various events of the week. I often ask myself, part way through the week, what I “think” I’ll be writing about on my creative day but nothing certain comes to mind. This is because it is not the “events” in particular that help me decide what will be “blog worthy” but rather the overall theme that has influenced my experience of the events.  For instance, this week, based on the effort and amount of time I’ve spent developing the new Self-Love Initiation Workshop I taught this past Saturday, I would have thought it would have been the focus of this week’s blog. However, after taking into account everything else I have noticed this week, I realize that the significance of the workshop has more to do with helping me to see the bigger picture of my life at the moment than it does with the success of the workshop itself.

In last week’s blog, “Tracy Meets a Man”,  I mentioned that one thing I noticed from that encounter was how quickly I am able to manifest things when I lower my resistance long enough to focus on what I want. I had no idea how largely a factor that idea would be in the days to come.

The next day, I attended a meeting to help practicing Psychotherapists understand the  regulations coming into effect when the new College of Psychotherapists is launched next year. It was a fascinating paradoxical experience for me. On the one hand, I was reassured to know that my background and experience over the past 12 years was more than enough to ensure that I would be “grandfathered” into the new College. I no longer needed to doubt my worth or question where I ”belong” in this community. That was tremendously validating. On the other hand, the more I listened, the more I kept asking myself whether I even want to keep practicing as a Psychotherapist in the same capacity as before. A big part of starting the Self-Love Sisterhood (and now the Self-Love Society) came from my strong sense that I needed to evolve professionally, beyond my role of “therapist”. At first, I thought it was because I wanted to experiment with creating more authentic relationships with my clients, to travel more, to write more and to have the capacity to earn money doing different things that would take me all over the world. But, the truth is, that the events and experiences that led me to that awareness were a result of trying to cope with the pain of ending a relationship that I thought would shape my “future”. I was lost.  I needed a distraction from my sadness and a way to spend my time. I needed to focus the incredible energy I had channelled into my relationship toward something else, so I chose “me”. I chose “Self-Love”. What is important about this is that it has helped me to I realize that all of these events, the relationship, the break-up, the work I have done on myself during and since, all the traveling I’ve done and the creation of the “Self-Love Sisterhood”, the “Self-Love Society” and the workshops I’m now doing were no accident. They have been necessary, “guided” steps on my journey.  It had to happen that way.

That night, after the meeting, I noticed an ad from one of my favorite Astrologers offering online Astrological Charts. In that moment, something told me to order one… and so I did. Actually, I ordered a package of 3: A Personal Profile, a Guide to the Future (12 Month Guide), and a Partnership Profile (even though I don’t have a partner at the moment… so, yes, I used my most recent partner’s birthdate).

I was so blown away by what I’ve read so far that, on that day, I thought my blog title for this week might be “Tracy Reads Her Horoscope”. I read the partnership profile first (of course) and it was amazingly accurate, based on the facts and feelings I know about and could therefore validate. In many ways, it made me feel sad because it describes how strong our physical attraction is and what an unbreakable emotional bond we have, which is what makes being apart so difficult. It also gives insight as to how we might overcome our obstacles… (sigh)

As you can imagine, I spent a bit of time lamenting, yet again…

And then I went on to read the Guide to the Future (12 month guide). It’s an 85 page document, which I haven’t even finished reading yet, but paragraph after paragraph just blew my mind.  It talked about how change is disturbing, even when it’s positive. It talked about a crucial process of re-evaluation regarding old plans and strategies that is now taking place. It said that I am coming to understand a situation that has been baffling me and I must give what’s happening now time to unfold because “the best is yet to come and there’s going to be plenty of it”. It went on and on like that and, at one point, it said almost verbatim what I had written in last week’s post about my ability to manifest things. But the part that really jumped out at me was this:

“Almost automatically, the things that you’ve dreamed of, wished for and fantasized about will actually start happening to you… If you’re reading this in good enough time, you might want to imagine what things would really be like if your dreams DID come true, and start altering a few of your aspirations in the light of this information! It wouldn’t be a bad idea, because you will get what you’ve been hoping for, so please make sure it’s something worth having.”

Wow. did that ever hit me.

On my journey toward greater Self-Love over the past year, I have be re-evaluating my life. I have been trying to get clearer on what really matters to me. I have been questioning if what I thought I wanted would really make the difference in my life that I hoped it would. And everything is changing and it has been disturbing but things are becoming clearer and my life is getting better.

So, if everything really has happened for a reason and everything I have created in the past year was not just an accidental benefit of trying to cope with the pain of a lost relationship and all of this was meant to be then…  

Like, I said in last week’s post, I have to accept that everything was made possible because, for whatever reason, I was able to lower my resistance long enough to ask myself and focus on what I really want. So I had better make sure that what I wish for is really worth having, hadn’t I?

What I’ve come to believe about all of this is that my tendency to want to control things, even when it comes from a helpful, loving place, has caused problems in my relationships and has made my work way more stressful. The message I keep hearing from every possible direction is “step back”, “don’t try so hard”, ”let things come to you” “everything is temporary”, “when money is not your motivation, it will come”, “follow your bliss” and, “for god’s sake, stop hiding who you really are for fear of being judged”.

So what is really worth having?

I think the answer is in focusing on the broader perspective and letting the Universe take care of the details. I’m only wishing for the simple things now… Safety, Love, Connection, Purpose, Fun…

That’s what Tracy wants.

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