Today, I am writing from home and it is the day of the New Moon in Sagittarius. I know many of you have been waiting for a follow up to my “10 days on Tinder” series and I do hope to continue addressing some of the specific headings I outlined in some sort of meaningful order but life does move on and, since I last wrote about that experience, I’m already several steps ahead of where I was a month ago, in so many ways.
Today’s post is still about where I’m at with dating but what is most significant about the past couple of days is what I’ve started to notice about how I’m feeling about my past relationships. This New Moon seems to be helping me to clear out any residual emotions that might otherwise hold me back from fully embracing and experiencing what’s to come.
It’s been intense.
It’s been emotional.
It’s been liberating.
And it all began with some pretty amazing, synchronistic occurrences.
I would even go so far as call them miraculous.
As I mentioned in my last post, things, in general, are unfolding in truly magical ways and in terms of my romantic life, it’s as if God/The Universe has set up a series of deftly timed events which are designed to gently help me create space for something really new and wonderful.
How do I know this?
Because I can finally feel myself letting go.
In the wake of the aforementioned synchronistic events, I lay in bed on Tuesday night going over everything in my mind. Very slowly, I began to feel a wave of emotion come over me which took me by surprise because I have been feeling so radiant and strong for so long that the only tears I have shed, lately, have been tears of gratitude.
As the wave progressed, it felt as if I was straddling the space between my past and my future. On one side were all my old familiar patterns, decisions, tendencies and beliefs which no longer serve me. I felt the pain, the disappointment and the shame of my endless hustle for worthiness. I saw how every one of my past relationships had been founded on false illusions and unmet needs which I had identified with and bound myself to for most of my life.
On the other side, I felt the expansiveness and open heartedness of Possibility. I looked at my new life and my new opportunities regarding relationships and realized that I am 100% in control of my experience because I am no longer approaching them with false illusions. I am challenging myself to really look at “what is” vs “what could be” and I am not afraid to face the discomfort of reality. (Well, I am afraid but I’m gonna do it anyway). I no longer define myself by my relationship status, nor do I feel that it is “necessary” for me to be in a relationship in order to feel fulfilled. I have spent the past couple of years cultivating a loving relationship with myself which, in turn, has taught me that the more I love and prioritize myself, the more fulfilled I become. In my next relationship, the bar will be set much higher in terms of how my new partner and I will show up for ourselves, for each other and for the relationship as whole.
As I straddled that space between past and future, the tears came flooding to the surface. I kept hearing myself say “It’s my choice… and I choose the new possibility!”
That may seem like an obvious choice but, in reality, hearing myself say that in my head was completely overwhelming. To be honest, I wasn’t really sure I’d ever get there. I wasn’t sure I’d be strong enough or healed enough or wise enough to choose an unknown, untested future over a lifelong wish to repair the past.
Even I didn’t get that fully, until just now.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to fix the past, just so that I could go back to it and relive it the way it was “supposed” to be.
No wonder I’ve been crying for three days.
After that big realization on Tuesday night, I woke up Wednesday with a song in my head. It was “A Case Of You” by Joni Mitchell. It was odd that that particular song came to me because I barely know it. An ex of mine sang it to me, once or twice. I think it meant a lot to him, at the time. I wondered if I had summoned it subconsciously for a reason, so I found it on Apple music and listened.
As soon as I did, I began to weep again, and it was the strangest sensation. It felt like grief and gratitude all rolled into one. It felt like a release, rather than sadness. I could literally feel myself letting go of a lifetime of regret, disappointment, anger, “why’s” and “what if’s”.
As I tend to do in moments like these, I played the song on repeat for a long while. I listened to the lyrics as they guided me through a series of memories and emotions that applied to every relationship I’ve ever had.
Every phrase got me.
All of it… so relevant and true.
The song poked me and prodded me and sent me to places within myself that I needed to go… to unlock the pain and the joy that I had not wanted to let go of, for fear that a part of me would disappear with along with them.
And I wept…
Slowly, and in waves, I felt the old, stagnant energy moving through my heart centre. I felt the gratitude for everything I have been blessed with. I felt myself let go of the regret and the loss. I felt myself open up and expand. As I sat and listened and wept, I found myself looking around my room… at books and photos and items that I’ve kept… and I realized that I was grieving so much more than just past relationships. I was grieving everything that was no longer. My childhood… my chastity… my parents… my friendships… my homes… my kids growing up…
And here’s the really cool part…
The next day, I decided to look up the symbolism of today’s New Moon and this is what it said:
“On Friday, December 11th the last new moon of 2015 will be in the sign of Sagittarius and it will be daring us to leave the past behind, once and for all.
In numerology, 11 is one of two master numbers—and it is the sign of new beginnings.
But before we can have a new beginning—we have to make the choice to say goodbye.”
Here’s the link the the entire article
It’s been an interesting and intense few days and I’m still riding the wave…
Here’s to the New Moon and New Beginnings!
I’ll leave you with Joni singing “A Case Of You”…