Process of Illumination

All In

While Mercury has been in retrograde since October 4th, I have noticed that there are many technology glitches going on so I’m not going to let myself worry about the whereabouts of my previous blog entries just yet, especially since worry has been an issue for me this past week. Yes, I know I said I was in a Spiritual Bubble for a while but It would seem that Worry managed to find a way to creep in shortly after I signed the final papers on a new home last Wednesday.

That’s right… I bought a new home!

Naturally, I was feeling cautious about making such a move for a variety of reasons. Firstly, it had only been a few months since I purchased the property that houses StudioBe and it’s still not fully rented, so finances are a bit unsettled on that front. Secondly, my younger kids didn’t really want to move at all, so choosing to buy a new home just because I felt it was right seemed selfish. Thirdly, I have come to love the house that we currently live in and it will be really sad to leave it.

Even though I’ve known for many years that I would eventually move to Riverdale, I’ve also known that my next house would have to be pretty special in order for me to want to move at all. I’ve kept my eyes open and looked at houses in the area, but had never seen anything that really felt like an “upward” move. It wasn’t until I bought StudioBe that I happened upon a house that I truly fell in love with. At the time, it was listed at a price that was slightly out of reach and, since I had just bought StudioBe I could not possibly consider taking on a house move right away. Because of this, I let it go, figuring that it would likely sell that week in a bidding war. It was disappointing because everything about it was ideal but I told myself that, if it was meant to be, it would wait for me. (Yeah, right… like that ever happens.)

Four months later, I found myself driving along Broadview on a Saturday afternoon and saw the signs pointing to an open house. I wondered if it could possibly be the same house, so I followed the signs. Amazingly, my dream house was still for sale! Happy to have another peek and hoping that they had dropped their price, I went in and talked to the agent. He said that the owners had actually turned down several offers because they didn’t get their price so it was not likely that it would go under asking. They were taking offers a few days later and there was lots of interest so, once again, I told myself to let it go.

Shortly after that I received a call from an agent in my area asking if I was interested in selling my house. They said they had a few qualified buyers looking for homes in the area and offered to do a complimentary evaluation of my home. Even though I knew it was a marketing ploy, I thought it was a good idea to know what I could sell my home for, just in case. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the conservative estimate for my home was about 30% more than I paid for it three years ago. Wow! I actually made a really good investment! Pretty good for a novice, single woman with four kids to support.

Pretty fucking awesome, actually!

I had asked my realtor to keep me posted about what the other house sold for and got a message from her a few days later saying that they had taken it off the market. “Oh, well”, I thought. “Maybe there would still be a chance some time in the future. At least I could stop wondering about it, for now”.

Around the same time, my eldest son decided that he was moving to Vancouver and my youngest son started high school in Thornhill so he’s been living with his dad most of the time. All of a sudden, so much seemed to be changing and I couldn’t help but feel that it was all happening for a reason. “Maybe now is a good time to make a house move, after all”, I thought.

Now that I knew what I could get for my home, I decided to keep looking a bit more seriously.

The following week, my realtor had been looking up properties to show me and called to say that the house I loved was back on the market and they had dropped the price significantly. It was now in a slightly more comfortable price range and started to feel like it  might be a very real possibility.

Hmmmm…

Could this house actually be waiting for me?

I went to see it one more time and, just as we were leaving, the owner returned home. She didn’t rush us out… in fact, we stayed and chatted with her for almost an hour and I felt like I had known her for years. She was funny, seemed really authentic and was very gracious. I could tell that we were kindred spirits.

Knowing I could not make a move without my kids’ blessing, I took the youngest two to see it a few days later (well, to say I dragged them would be more accurate). Surprisingly, within 15 minutes, they were actually arguing over which rooms they wanted.

“Get this house”, they said.

I decided to put in an offer the next day and I went to StudioBe to chant and meditate before I met with my realtor to sign the papers. Because this felt like another big leap with financial ramifications, I wanted to be sure that I was in full alignment with my divine self and with the universe so that I could be sure I was making the right decision and that all would be well. That day, I think I had one of the most beautiful, heart opening meditations I have ever had. I was completely “blissed out” and I could feel all of my lower chakras pulsing with ecstatic energy. There was no question in my mind that, from this place, whatever I chose to do would be in my highest good.

So, I put in an offer and it was accepted, pending an inspection, which the house sailed through with flying colours. The house was mine!

I’ve shared this story to illustrate that, all along, I was feeling quite calm and guided regarding whether this was a good move or not. Even though I loved it, even though I wanted it, even though it felt so “right”, I didn’t rush into it. I put my soul in the driver’s seat and I trusted wherever it was going to take me. I didn’t worry or give it too much thought or try to “make” anything happen, In fact, I let it go.

And the house waited.

It wasn’t until after the point of no return that the panic finally set in.

And it took hold like a mother-fucker.

It started when my youngest son called me the morning of the inspection asking if it was too late to back out of the deal.

“What?” I asked. “Why?”

“I just don’t want to move”, he said.

“Oh, no…what have I done?” I thought. And that’s when the bubble burst.

All at once, every Gremlin, every limiting belief, every unconscious, self-sabotaging emotion came out of the woodwork.

The thoughts that ran through my head ran the gamut from “Who do you think you are?” to “You’ll never be enough” to “You’ll never pull this off. You’re not guided, you’re just impulsive and reckless and this time you’re finally going to fuck everything up, for good.”

I could barely breathe for days.

Suddenly, all I could think of was how much I love the house I’m in and I began to question the validity of my reasons for wanting to move in the first place. It was so strange that, only a few days before, everything was so clear and right and synchronistic. I could not understand why I was now in such a state of fear.

After a few days of feeling this way, I sat down at StudioBe to chant and meditate. At the end of my meditation, I felt guided to write out a list in my journal entitled “What I’m worried about”.

This proved to be an extremely helpful exercise.

What I realized from reading this list is that there is some pretty monumental stuff going on for me right now and I had not fully realized the collective effect it was having on me. The changes that have been slowly taking shape over the past 6 months, if looked at individually, all seem like natural, positive progressions that happen during the course of one’s life but, added all together, they have the impact of a major seismic event…where the ground beneath you feels as if it has completely given way and you must scramble to find a piece of stable, solid ground to hold on to.

I remember saying to myself, sometime ago, that my role as a mother was about to change because my kids were moving on sooner and in different ways than I expected. I knew then that I would have to adapt but I was only thinking of it in the practical and emotional sense, at the time. Now, I realize that it must have triggered an unconscious process inside me that I’m only now becoming aware of.

My whole life is changing.

My whole “me” is changing.

And it’s huge.

And, because it’s so huge, I’m also feeling a HUGE resistance to it.

In this case, my resistance feels like…

 …the clutching sensation of self-sabotaging emotions, such as Doubt, Fear and Worry.

My resistance sounds like…

 …the voices of my Gremlins, telling me that I’m not enough and that I’m going to fuck everything up.

My resistance looks like…

 …the judgement that I imagine coming from the faces of everyone around me.

My resistance smells like…

 …the putrifying stench of Shame that lives and grows in the darkness of my silence.

My resistance tastes like…

 …the paralyzing, gummy, metallic residue left behind by my inability to speak my truth.

And what is my truth?

My truth is that I’m finally living my life 100% ALL IN

I’m finally giving myself permission to do what I’ve always been afraid to do.

    Afraid I’d fuck up

    Afraid I wasn’t enough

    Afraid I’d be judged

    Afraid to do it alone

My truth is that it’s all up to me.

My truth is that I’ll never know what I’m capable of unless I take a leap.

My truth is that I’m finally brave enough to find out who I REALLY am.

And it’s scary.

But sometimes that’s what it feels like to be

ALL IN

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